Where Oh Where Has My Little Win Gone?

For all those who thought (was slightly concerned) I had fallen off the face of the earth, don't fret because, well.....I haven't. I do want to start out my post with some good news, in reference to Mrs. Tinsley. She is doing great, the tumor has decreased greatly and there is barely any fluid on her lungs. The medication she is taking now unfortunately has given her a bad rash, but beyond thought she is still thankful and enjoying life!!!! Thanks to all who prayed for her and her family, I know she coveted each and every prayer.

Now for what's been going on with me, to keep me away from here. Some people may question my reasoning for even posting this..."your opening yourself up for possible hurt" they may say. I want to do this because: 1) If it helps someone or myself by being so open, that's great. 2) My parents and most of my friends around here know and still love me, so if anyone else wants to criticize me then fooey on you. 3) The people who would read this, I believe to be people who care about me and will hopefully continue to care about me after. 4) I believe in being open and honest and the truth shall set me free and all that jazz. Ok, here goes....

On November 1st I was sent to the Glenwood Behavioral Unit for suicidal thoughts and cutting on myself. I was there for 6 days and then attended an intensive out patient program in Monroe. I have been diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and now have to take a butt load of medication. Some of you may have known that I have struggled with depression since I was about 12 years old, but most have not. In fact my best friends in high school didn't know, because I was very good about hiding what was going on in my head. Stacy Johnson and Lauren O'Brien found out one very difficult night in 1999, which (I don't know if they'll ever see this) I could never thank them enough for. I would try to talk to friends and church folk about it, but the answers were usually the same: "just remember that there are people who have it worse than you", "don't focus on the negative stuff", "things really aren't that bad", and my all time favorite "just pray about it". Please do not misunderstand me, those are all good nuggets of advice but don't ever think that by saying those things that everthing is copacetic, because it wasn't with me. I know that everyone I went to did the best they knew to do, I don't doubt that for one second. Unfortunately, my depression was not just a day or two event or even seasonal. It's very difficult to explain how you feel and the thoughts you think when you have chronic or major depression, to someone who has never had depression like that. I believe that everyone, at some point in their lives, will experience some form of depression but it usually passes after a short while. However, I had found that it was sooooooooooo difficult to find someone who understands, so I decided to not talk about it (like it was gonna magically disappear). So about six months ago, (as my depression worsened) I began to withdraw from friends, church, and any type of social event. The isolation deepened my depression, hopelessness, thoughts that noone loved, and then inevitably thoughts that noone would miss me. It's a very horrible cycle, that I don't wish on anyone.
"Why is she being so open, and on the internet for crying out loud?" you may ask. To which I would have to say.................good question. I guess I just don't want to feel like this is something I need to be ashamed of and hide from the rest of the world. I hope that if anybody reading this has this same struggle or someone they care about has it and they don't know what to do or say, maybe I could be some sort of help. Or maybe it's the same thing that anyone else would do if they had been diagnosed with diabetes or some other illness they didn't ask for or want. I guess I'm asking for your prayer support through this diagnosis and coming to terms with it. So now you know and................................................



knowing is half the battle (according to G.I. Joe).